13. Power To Be, To Give & To See
Of course I'm not my own sun, yet. It takes much more time than two months of rehab, and it's a hell of a lot of work. But I love the idea of it and I think I'm on the right path (or so I hope).
Being away from all the apps and guys surprisingly felt really calming. And damn good. I've tried it once before, in April, when I decided to take a break after meeting those two Slavs, but then I met with someone and two weeks later came back to Tinder. Obviously I didn't get the lesson then and I didn't give myself the chance to break the vicious circle. Now, however, it just felt different.
When I did it for the first time, I was just bored. No guys to talk to, no more dates, no more attention from strangers. I couldn't stand it. Suddenly turned out I'm alone with my thoughts. Quite uncomfortable, I must say. But all those things I hated back then, now made me feel better. I realised all these apps filled with fuckboys, toxic/unhappy or in general not destined for me guys, were making things worse. It was a huge waste of time and energy, too.
Coming there with wrong intentions, you see, made all the difference. I wanted to be free from the nightmares of my past, so all I got was the same guy in different forms and shapes. I was making the same mistakes over and over again. Wasting time on guys that couldn’t offer me anything, yet I was clinging to the idea of being with them, so I could get my happy ending once more. Forbidden fruit tastes sweeter, too.
Obviously, it was a crash and I had to go to my own, personal rehab. And for the first time in months I actually felt better. When a few months ago I was writing here that I’m already done with Mattias, it wasn’t true. I thought so, only because of a bunch of guys around me creating chaos in my head, and me thinking any of them could replace him. It was a delusional lie I told myself.
All this time I thought I finally know how to deal with it all, that I know the cure to a heartbreak. That my old rule to find myself under a new guy to get over another guy is actually working. No. I still don’t know any proper remedy for that, I wouldn’t be able to write a guidebook that tells you what to do, step by step. But I’m sure trying to replace someone as soon as possible isn’t the right answer. My way of finding it was chaotic, as anything in my life, I had to repeat my lessons, walk around, forward and back, to get where I am now. And I'm still not at the finish line.
What, however, soothes this pain? Cleaning the mess in your head. And remembering really important things that it’s so easy to forget, once we get dumped by someone who saw us naked and realised he doesn’t want to have anything to do with us.
You are the most important thing in your life. The source of your happiness is within you. It tastes sweeter while shared, but you need peace before trying to find it and then share with someone else. When you’re honest with yourself, when you understand what you’re doing, what you're feeling, what happened to you in your past and that it doesn't determine your value. That inability of others to love you for who you are, fully and as much as you deserve it, doesn’t make you unlovable. When you can admit your own faults and see your own mistakes. And when you try to be a better person for others, but mostly for yourself.
Sure, no one is the lonely island, people are all we’ve got, but at the same time, however it may sound confusing, firstly we, ourselves, are all we’ve got. Everything in our life begins and ends within ourselves. In our minds. No one will live for us our life. So why waste so much of how little time we’ve got here, clinging to the past or obsessing over unavailable things and people? Because we’re only human. Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone? No, Madonna. Life is a mystery, perhaps, and being a person is a fucking/beautiful nightmare, but I still believe in love and finding the right person. Maybe one for life, maybe new one every few years, who knows.
With time I saw that what I was doing I could compare to a toothache. Simply ignoring our issues is like ignoring it. You can take painkillers for that, but if you won’t go to the dentist, the pain caused by this toothache won’t disappear by itself. We can numb it for a time, but the longer we wait, the worse it gets. So we can try taking more and stronger painkillers, but eventually, they stop working and suddenly we are literally walking on the walls from this pain. Or we get bigger damage.
I drunk tons of alcohol, took some other things and welcomed plenty of guys to my bed and life for some time, trying to numb my pain. I refused to look directly at the problem and take responsibility for my actions, I was waiting and waiting for the pain to go away, but - surprise, surprise, it was still there, getting worse with every new fuckboy coming to me.
Why? Because instead of dealing with the source of my problems, I was trying to play with everything those problems caused. It never ends well. It's like trying to paint over a mould on the wall. It looks nice for a time, feels like the problem is gone, but the thing with fungus is, it's annoyingly hard to get rid of, you can't just cover it, as it will always show on the surface. To look the problem in the eyes, to face it with your head up, takes some courage that I didn’t have. Especially when my whole life I was avoiding my problems and thought I'm good as long as they're buried deep down. Well, I was a coward all this time and got my butt beaten like one.
I never realised it until recently, but I believe everyone of us has their own set of rules, which we create for ourselves along the way or get them from other people and situations. They help us to go through life and at some point, they’re great guides for us. Like our own creations leading us further in life. Sometimes we forget about them or decide to ignore them, but the truth is, I think, they’re the best help we can get. And if we trust and follow them, life may become easier. My rules are a mix of things I’ve heard, read, or stole from others. Like my own Desiderata. Some truths I knew all this time but chose to ignore quite often.
Be kind to yourself and to others. Don't hurt anyone, even if they deserve it - it’s better to move on and not let it take control over you. Don’t do anything out of spite. Try to avoid fuckboys at all costs and don’t bleach the red flags. When someone shows you their true colours, don’t try to paint a different picture. Take an advice only from people you respect or would trade places with. Whatever comes, let it come, what stays, let it stay, what goes, let it go. Be yourself, forgive yourself, love yourself. Don’t take everything so personally, don’t forget others are only visitors in your life, for a moment, just as you are a visitor for them. Every cloud has a silver lining, any bad thing happening to us, leads to a good thing in the end, and it goes on and on.
Don’t get fixated over things you can’t control or change. Don’t get furious about easily fixed issues. And most importantly, however bitter-sweet it sounds, remember: it will pass. Everything at some point becomes only a memory, the good and the bad. So don’t take everything for granted when you’re happy, but don’t feel too sorry for yourself, either, when you have a broken heart. Take your time, mourn your loss, feel the pain, cry as much as you need, but don’t get stuck in this stage. Having a broken heart means you’re alive, that you’ve tried something. It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all. Losing balance for love is a part of living balanced life, as Ketut said in Eat, Pray, Love. It will pass, as everything in our life. And don’t wait until you’re old to realise you shouldn’t care that much.
Maybe everything happens for a reason, or maybe it’s all unscripted scenario we create unconsciously. Maybe we were supposed to be where we are right now, or perhaps all our decisions led us here, while others could lead somewhere else, to equally beautiful or painful places. Maybe love is just about dumb luck and living and dying for it seems shallow to most people I know, but weirdly I like this thing about myself.
Some people are driven by ambition, others live for their family or friends and travels. While I have my love. Maybe it seems like a silly thing, like a flaw, but that’s what makes me who I am and always will be. And that’s okay. It’s better to learn to love or at least to like the things about yourself that you can’t change, than obsess over them pointlessly. All our faults, all our mistakes, our good and bad traits, accept it all and you’ll be free. Not as I felt at the club, every weekend dancing in the darkness or being held by strong, tall and toxic for me guys. Partying and playing with men, after all, brought short freedom which was so sweet and so seductive, but false to the core. Be yourself, accept yourself, and you have a start. Then let the universe surprise you and you will see - anything could happen.