19. Doomed Lovers
All this time when I was dating Franc, well, we weren't actually dating, if you wanna be like a scientist about it, but we did everything that fits into the definition of this word. So when we were (not) dating, I had a horrible problem with my self-esteem. I couldn't believe a hot guy like him wanted to be with a slim potato like me. I started seeing myself as this ugly duckling and wondering why he was interested in me. What was the reason, what were his intentions, because obviously it couldn't be my looks.
And gays date based on the looks. That's the ugly truth, men are shallow creatures and at first see the potential of a person according to the level of their attractiveness. As someone who spent quite a lot of time in this world of dating apps and social media in general, I have this knowledge engraved on my brain. Of course there is something like having a type and then falling for someone who looks completely different, but it doesn't change the fact that, at the core, our eyes need to be satisfied first. In the long run, what's inside matters the most, I know, don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete monster, I'm fully aware in the end that's what we love about them, not their facade, but it plays a major role at the beginning.
Before we went on our first date, I thought maybe he's just small in a certain area. Like in this meme from Grindr: - Eww, it's so small. - Well, if it was bigger, I wouldn't be talking to you. The horrible and so shallow world of gays forces us to think in certain ways, once you get in this system - so once again, don't blame me. But no, he wasn't small. Not as big as he made it seem, but still, he didn't have any reason to have a complex about that or shy away in a bathhouse. So what could it be? His own low self-esteem, then? Possibly.
He told me once, that he wasn't so muscular for a long time, a year ago he was much smaller, similar to me. That could be the answer, that he didn't fully realise his own potential yet, and all the possibilities his body gave him. He didn't get the jerkiness yet, that comes with muscles, he didn't get fully in love with them, and going to the gym still wasn't the main trait of his personality, or a complete substitute of his personality, to be specific.
So I felt like shit next to him, even though I shouldn't have. And I was idealising him, looked at him with doe-eyes full of admiration, he was perfect in my opinion, I simply adored this guy. And quite possibly he started seeing that. The balance of power, which was already resting on a very wobbly table and wasn't much into balancing, started shaking. He started getting more and more of that power with every day. But still acted like he was into me more than even Mattias when he fell in love with me.
He came over to my place the same day in the evening, when I left his place in the morning almost crying from the horrible night we had. I didn't want to go to his place, didn't feel safe enough for that, still was a bit scared of him. So he came over, and we could talk about this whole horrible misunderstanding. He explained once more the whole thing from his own perspective, that he was slapping me at first very softly and as he saw that I'm not protesting or doing anything to stop him, he continued and put more effort in the fucking slaps.
He also told me that when I didn't protest to anything he was doing, it turned him on even more and made him want to do more things to me. That my unresponsiveness to this treatment only fuelled him and his dick. And one important thing - he said that when I sent him that message about ending things, his first reaction was, and I quote word for word: Seriously? Fuck you! I'm a catch, I have a good job, I look good, I have passions and hobbies, how could you want to end it with me? He was smiling when saying that, as if he was explaining to me something so obvious that I had to be a kid or a silly goose for not knowing it, but I wasn't laughing. Oh. My. God.
Franc simply had no idea how much he revealed to me in that moment. What kind of narcissistic, full of himself douchebag he just claimed he was, unknowingly. But, even though I was shocked to hear it and his actions went down on my market, I didn't end it with him then. Simply ignored it. So we could eat some pizza and play in bed once more. Or a few times more. He stayed for the night, when we woke up we had a nice breakfast together and some other fun things to do. He came about five times during that date. Then he went home, and we saw each other again the next day, on Saturday, right before the Easter.
That was the longest date we had so far. I came to his place, we cooked something, then the next morning we had a nice Easter breakfast. I thought we will skip it, but he insisted, said it will be a nice thing to do, have such an important meal together. As you wish, my wonderful, horrendous Prince Charming. Then we went for a long walk around his nice district, and he turned out to be a good tourist guide, telling me where is the house of this director or what happened in another house. We took some nice selfies, he kissed me in the park, on the way home we saw a small exhibition, and then he told me that he's so happy I know who is it about, because once he saw it with some other guy who had no idea who is the subject of this exhibition. One of the most popular Poles.
I replied only: I bet this moron was very good-looking, though, right? He nodded. Well, that's what you get if you go for the looks that don't hide anything else behind. I also started wondering how many guys already had pleasure to be guided like that and walked around his pretty district. Anyway, this whole time we had an amazing time together. It felt as all the problems were gone, and we could continue like that, just enjoying each other's company. In the end he asked what's my plan for the rest of the day, what I would like to do, so I said I will go back home, if he would prefer to rest now alone. He admitted his social battery ran out, if I don't mind. So I got back home. Summary: he came ten times during that date.
He came over to my place the next day. As you can already see, during those two weeks we were seeing each other constantly. All the time, almost every day. And sleeping together, too. I must admit I enjoyed sleeping with him, unlike sleeping with Igor who was pushing his butt towards me all the time, Franc was hugging me nicely, or I was hugging him. And when we weren't seeing each other, we were texting all the time. It all felt mutual, that we were on the same level, however, we were still on Tinder, even though I barely looked at it and almost didn't use it at all.
When he came again to my place, we had a small photoshoot, my bedroom has some good spots for that. He wanted to get the pics, maybe for Grindr, maybe for himself, and I wanted to practice photography. So yes, I was spreading honey on his butt cheeks quite hard already. When the photoshoot was over, and we could fully focus on ourselves, there was a moment when I got carried away and pushed my fingernails a bit too hard on his back. Simply scratched him a bit. In response, he slapped me on my back as if I was a dog, and said: Too hard, don't do that. Then for the first time, I got brave enough to tell him that I also do not like him slapping me like that.
The moment was gone, I got furious. I wanted him to get the hell out of my place immediately. Didn't even want to look at him, when he tried to hug me from behind, as I already sat down on my bed. I told him to stop it, stood up, got dressed and went to the balcony to smoke one. I was so angry I started shaking, while texting my bestie and telling her what just happened. She was trying to calm me down, saying I should just wait, instead of saying or doing something I might regret later.
I got back inside, the food I ordered earlier came by then, so we ate in silence. Then we tried watching something, but he couldn't wait even twenty minutes, had to go back to the fun part and started touching and kissing me. I tried to play along, for a moment I thought it will be okay, but no, I was still angry with him for that slap. He asked if everything's okay, I said I have a headache. He asked if he should go home then, I said yes, that would be good. Before leaving, he hugged me strongly, apologised and said he wants to change for me, that he wants to be a better guy for me.
I admit, hearing these words reduced my anger a bit, but I was already sure what I have to do. I cried a bit when he left, thought I have no other option but to end it with him, because there is no way he will change, surely he has some anger issues. He texted me when he got back home, then once more before going to sleep, wishing me a good night. I didn't even read his texts. The next morning he sent another message, good morning and have a wonderful and sunny day, things like that. Then something else, and finally I replied.
In the end, I told him I'd like to meet with him again, but in a public place for a change. I actually wanted to go to a bar or a restaurant with him already before, didn't want to spend every date at my or his place, felt a bit like a whore that someone is hiding. He said okay, but he's not sure when he will be able to meet during this week, maybe Sunday. It was Tuesday at the moment, so having a date so distant in time compared to all the previous dates that happened every day or every other day, seemed weird to me. I started suspecting he has planned other dates from Tinder, as he mentioned what he was going to do some days, while about others he was silent.
He asked what I wanted to talk about, so he could prepare for it. Sneaky. I let him know, fully. Asked him about his fear of getting STDs, that even when both of us will have test results of all the possible STDs, if he will be able to have simple oral sex without a condom. That maybe it's not about STDs, but something else, like him not fully accepting himself or doing it with a guy. Because my lips didn't touch his dick and vice versa. He also said he doesn't like when someone gives him a blow job, that was the first time ever I heard crap like that. Ever. So he was the first guy that was so obsessed with being safe, but also not that much, as his kids had contact with me a few times. In general, it was all very suspicious to me.
I also asked if he doesn't have any anger issues, as he gets very excited after gym, listens to German rap or metal while working out, gets all buzzed up. But that was just pure stupidity, who will ever admit to having anger issues? Naive Kuba. Asked him about his hypersexuality too, reminding that almost every chat we had while not seeing each other, he had to bring to sexting, that we have fun all the time when we see each other, we don't do anything else that much, and he comes multiple times and needs to have fun any time his dick gets hard, like he can't control himself. I love honeymoon phase, it's the best, the sweetest time. But I had it before, and it was nowhere near this sex marathon I had with Franc.
So he didn't want to wait until Friday but cleverly changed the meeting to a phone call that day, during which he replied to all of my questions. And I didn't push, I didn't insist on talking about my concerns in person. He wanted it this way, I let him. He also didn't illuminate my doubts that much, to everything he was replying like: "You know, I'm not sure about it, maybe it's like this...". But all in all, the difficult (for him) part was behind us, and we could go forward, as he really, really hated confrontations and such talks about issues. Hello Mattias. Hello my past. So once more I thought we are good, and we can go on with building a relationship. We could, for a day or two, when he did another thing.
See, his action always had my reaction, but as at first he was willing to apologise for his mistakes, and I was controlling my dramatics, later he started saying I'm indeed too dramatic and blamed me for the intensity of my reactions. Made it look like I started being too much for him, but in reality he just really disliked the fact I have no problem with saying what's wrong and what bothers me.
There are two kinds of relationships that you can sum up with this phrase: You either speak up and mess things up, or you don't speak up and let things mess you up. Your boyfriend can be a dick sometimes, say some hurtful things, or publicly humiliate you in front of your friends. You won't say anything, though. He can criticise you, belittle you, but again, you won't say anything. And then he's a good boyfriend, does great things sometimes and loves you so much, obviously. So you two stay together, but every time he does something shitty like that, it hurts. You just smile or try to ignore it, but you can't. So it kills you from the inside, you slowly lose self-respect. Piece by piece it destroys you, but in the end you have a boyfriend, that's the most important part, isn't it?
Being in a relationship like that is like having constant paper cuts. Have you ever had it? It's nothing serious, obviously you won't die, but it's so painful. Small thing, but can bother you so much. Unfortunately, I really hate paper cuts and couldn't be quiet about the things that bothered me, about the bad things Franc was doing to me or in general. I had to speak up about them whenever something happened, so in the end it ended it all, because narcissist and love bombers hate nothing more than for the object of their obsession to be problematic. They prefer an easier prey. Someone who won't have any self-respect and will be quiet, when they crap on their head.