20. You're Somebody Else
Two days after our last date, when we were texting as I was at work, Franc sent me randomly a screenshot of someone's Tinder profile, making fun of it, because there was some weird picture or bio, can't remember now. Therefore, we entered my least favourite stage of the beginning of dating someone. The horrible time, dreadful, even. When Tinder is getting in the way to destroy it all, as it came at first to help connect the two lovers, later on it shits on everything they got to build together so far.
When it's way too early to call you two a couple, to make it official and become exclusive. But, at the same time, things go great between you two, none of you (you'd think) feels the need to talk or date someone else, to go for another first date with some random guy. I don't have the need to talk to other guys in such a moment, even though apparently it's a huge mistake, because things with the new person are always very fragile, and it could end at any moment, leaving you then with nothing (and a bunch of possibly nice guys you ghosted). If you didn't stop talking to other guys, you would have other options then, but I just can't force myself to do it. And I hate myself for it.
When I saw this screenshot it was like a reminder from Franc saying: Things go great between us, obviously I like you, the chemistry is there, we clicked, we can't get enough of each other, but you need to remember I'm still on Tinder searching for a better option, because you never know. I felt a mix of sadness, disappointment and anger. Don't get me wrong, I know it's normal, still being there, I also had Tinder at the time, but he did the thing you should never do while dating - notify the other person that he/she is one of many possibilities. We all know it, we are all aware of it, but you do not say it out loud.
At some point I sent him a selfie, he said I look sad. So I told him it's because of the worst - in my opinion - stage of dating someone. Explained to him how it feels to me, that it just sucks. I even googled after how many dates people delete Tinder, can you guess? Between three and five. We've been exactly on five dates already, on four of them we spent the night together and more time than on a regular coffee date, as we played home, cooking, showering together, having sex and doing everything a couple does.
At the same time I'm fully aware of my impatient nature, so I didn't want to force or push anything, I wanted everything to go naturally, I didn't talk to anyone else and I could only hope he's doing the same, that even if he does, he won't suddenly meet someone much, much better and then kick me in the butt. Which was my constant and the worst fear while dating anyone. So I didn't want to mention it, I didn't want to ask him: What are we? As I know perfectly well that if you have to ask this question, you two are not what you'd like it to be. Simply I wanted to wait and see what happens, where things between us go.
And I wanted those things to go on just as they were going before, naturally, as said before. But he had to send me this fucking screenshot, remind me he's still there searching for something better, and spoil our recently retrieved peace. Shitty move. When I told him how it feels, he said he suspected what I feel and that's why he sent it, to make sure we are still on the same page, and he's not planning to delete Tinder. That he started to feel some kind of pressure for relationship, that he feels that things go way too fast between us. Asked what did I expect. I asked him, what do you think I expected? He said: That I will say now we will be a couple, and it's gonna last forever? I was shocked. Shooketh, even.
I told him I'm not that naive, but thanked him for reminding me where is my place and said I'm sorry that he feels like that and from now on I will try to minimise it all, so he won't have to feel the pressure. Meaning - I will not contact you as much as before and when you will do it, I'll start responding after some time, not immediately, as we were both doing earlier. I will simply start cutting you off. At that moment I regretted so much I didn't end it with him before, when I was planning to do it, twice already. So, so much.
He was confused, at first said he didn't mean it like that, about putting me in my place, but went along with it, probably feeling good the problem's gone. I didn't talk to him that afternoon almost at all, in the evening he sent me a "Good night" text, to which I replied, even though I planned to ignore it. That's when I should have known I will have a problem with cutting him off, if I couldn't do this one, simple thing. In the morning, we texted each other the traditional "Good morning" and talked a bit. Then I said fuck it, let's try manipulation. I told him I have to be honest with him, that I was trying to minimise it all between us, but clearly I am unable to do it. Then I lied to him and said that I even went on a date last evening with some guy from Tinder, but didn't enjoy it, and this situation just showed me I don't want to force myself to do things I simply don't want to do.
He was shocked. Sent me quite a long text in which he said that now he knows how it felt yesterday for me, that it wasn't nice to hear I went on a date with someone else, just as probably it wasn't nice for me to have him showing off his presence on Tinder. He backed off, apologised, and we went back to being cute and dating normally. I used manipulation and a little game on him and got what I wanted. And what was that? I wanted him to see how it feels when he hurts someone like that, to let him taste his own medicine. I won, but at the same time I didn't enjoy it, it felt like a shitty thing to do, including the lie. In a genuinely good and pure relationship, there shouldn't be place for such games. But it happened anyway, so we moved on, and it didn't backfire, luckily.
On Friday, after visiting the gym, he got really, really horny. Started saying so much stuff, even telling me that I can perform a blow job without a condom this time. My goodness, lucky me. We were supposed to meet on Saturday morning, but he was so desperate that asked me if I can come in the evening already, so we can sleep together as well. I did, of course, he got from me anything he wanted, because I enjoyed his company and liked him too much to refuse him anything. The next morning he left me alone at his place, went to yoga practice. Then he had a German lesson, so I cooked us some dinner then. We went again for a walk, once again he was affectionate in a public place.
At some point when we were in bed, just resting, lying next to each other, he wanted to apologise again for what he said, and did with that screenshot from Tinder. He said he is an idiot not only at work but apparently also in life. That it was stupid and he didn't mean to hurt me. But at the same time maybe wanted to protect or warn me before really hurting me. Interesting, like he already knew this will end in tears. Then of course he really wanted to talk about that date I made up, so I brought back a memory of one of the unfortunate dates from Autumn, so we could laugh it off, and he wouldn't feel the need to go on a date with someone else just to even it out.
I wanted to avoid hearing again that his social battery ran out, so I told him that in the evening probably I will go to dance to some club. He got really excited and asked if he can come with me. Surprised that there was no information about him wanting to be alone after our 24h date, I said yes. Chose an outfit for him, then left to my place to get ready myself. All this time he was texting me very excited about it, asking if he should put on some chain or even a ring or a bracelet. Maybe change the t-shirt. He behaved like a kid that was going to Disneyland.
And I was thrilled to go there with him, as well, to be honest. Finally, for the first time in a long time I would go to a club not with some random dude I just met, but with a guy I was dating. What could go wrong? Well, everything, as always in my case.
Before we went out, he wanted to talk to me about it. He said that he doesn't know how to dance with a guy, that probably he won't do it. He also said he doesn't show affection in a public place, so I should be prepared for that. I said okay, which was a mistake, because I was hoping he will change his mind, also he already proved to me he can show affection in a public place. I told him we should also have some rules, such as - we go out together, we leave together. We have fun together, as well. He agreed, said he really doesn't want this one night out to change anything between us. Sweet naivety.
So we went out. To put it shortly, it was a disaster, as you can imagine. He was drinking only water, I was drinking vodka with orange juice, as always. He felt a bit cocky about having fun only with water, I told him people will think he took something. But let's move to our night out. First thing - when we were dancing (next to each other, like some fucking colleagues), he noticed a guy he used to work with some time ago. Said he was suspecting him back then of being gay. So then he started staring at this guy, constantly looking behind me. I thought he will break his neck, that hard he was turning it, trying to find this guy, when he was losing the sight of him. So after about half an hour of this grotesque, I left him and went to another dance floor, where he followed me and asked what's wrong.
I told him what's wrong and he completely gaslighted me. Said that's not true, asked how am I supposed to see anything if I dance with my eyes closed, that he's not staring at anyone, what am I even talking about? My goodness. There was no way I could explain to him what just happened, in his opinion he didn't do anything wrong. So we continued to party, but the air between us was already very smelly. All this time, it felt like he was disappointed or regretted coming there, or being there with me. Maybe he realised he shouldn't bring the wood to the forest, as this club is always packed with hot guys full of themselves, and he could glance at all of them and probably for the first time in his life saw so many handsome guys squeezed in a tiny space.
Ugly thoughts and paranoia were welcomed in my mind. At some point we came back to the main dance floor. Then some two girls were dancing next to us and my darling Franc started dancing with one of them. At first lightly, nothing spectacular, but then he grabbed her and simply used her like a doll that he was twisting, hugging, groping and touching everywhere. Wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't bi, I guess. I looked at their performance and the blood in my veins started boiling. Went to the bar to order myself a water and wait it out, but it seemed they enjoy each other's company too much and don't plan to end it that soon.
I drunk that water till the end, saw them still dancing, and decided to leave. The moment I stepped out of the club, he texted me: Come to the techno dance floor, our dance is over. I got furious at his insolence. How could he be so nonchalant about it all? I texted him back something like: I want nothing to do with you, this night showed me a lot, enjoy the party. He read it, didn't reply.
Yes, drama entered the scene. And that was the last time I saw Franc, I never saw him again after that night. Two weeks of the most intense relationship-wannabe thing has just ended. Our weird relationship had some of the best and the worst moments in my history of dating. He topped the best guys in my past, but also the worst ones. It was like a perfect mix of hot and cold, so much intensity we could barely stand it. But as they say: Easy come, easy go.
It wasn't a complete finish of this story, though, as we both reminded each other of ourselves. But pointlessly, the milk was already spilled. He wasn't the one. It wasn't him, and I wasn't the one for him. I mistook him for someone else, and he mistook me for someone else, too.
Or maybe not. Quite a scary thought.