23. Tinderhell
Oops! You missed a match! No tf I didn't.
I was told by one guy, jokingly of course, that I should sit my ass down and listen to Reputation album by Taylor Swift. Because I have met plenty of guys he knew already, and while we were on our date, I had to hide a few times as I saw at the bar some guys I ghosted, so he just mocked me for it.
Well, yes, in my search of love I met countless men, even more I ignored, blocked, ghosted or horribly stood up. Or promised a date, and then deleted my account because I wanted to take a break, just forgot to say goodbye. Same goes the other way around, of course. And our gay world is quite small, we are not like straight people who have one more privilege no one’s aware of. Imagine being a girl, dating straight men. When she’s done with them, they disappear, of course they might pop up randomly in the future, but mostly they’re gone. In our gay world, our dates date each other. So the rumours spread, the most “popular” ones get themselves reputation, it’s like we could have files with our profiles and history.
Kuba, 29 years old, mostly bottom, although the encounter with Frank made him believe he could be versatile with a proper guy. Impatient, impulsive, quite handful, going psycho on the phone if you do one mistake, trouble's gonna follow where he goes and he tries to be funny a bit too often. Good for one night. Talked to 583772 guys, met with 3928, collided with 239. Click "more" to see the details and which penises you shared.
Imagine the bliss of dating someone and not even thinking about the fact that he might be an ex of the guy you previously dated. Gays and lesbians have this one thing tougher than the straights, as if it wasn't enough. We also constantly see our competition on dating apps - straight people see mostly their targets, we see everyone competing with us. I have a dream, and I think it would be a nightmare for the annoying "label free" gay guys. To have an app like Tinder that segregates gays, so if you are a bottom, for example, you will only see the profiles of tops and versatile guys. Then, when you match, you can be sure that this great talk you have won't die the moment someone asks the biblical question: Top or bottom? Would be fun.
But non existent or not popular enough to be useful. So we have Tinder. My main field of work since the breakup with Mattias. The most popular dating app ever, the first thing you download once you’re ready to date again, after a heartbreak. The worst possible app a single person could have. And the best one. Tinder is simple - you create an account, swipe, match and date. In theory. Start by describing yourself through many options such as height (a new one), zodiac sign, nighttime routine, your job, if you have pets, adding something called an anthem (favourite song on Spotify, or the one that makes you look cool and edgy), etc.
Then you write your bio or skip this part, as many guys do, believing they're way too attractive or muscular to type there anything. Some limit themselves by putting there just a few (or dozen) emojis describing them, but in my opinion it's so stupid. You also need to choose your sexual orientation (and if you want to show it on your profile) and who do you want to see: men, women or both (again - here would be great if we could choose also if we wanted to see tops or bottoms only, just saying).
And the fun begins. Or the nightmare, more like. If you're new and kinda attractive, you will get plenty of matches, as being a fresh meat is often in this world more valuable than being attractive. But again, if you have shitty pics or look on them ugly as a sin, even being a new face won't help you much. The secret is to have great photos. Even Kardashians don't look like Kardashians in reality, so there's hope for everyone. So you start to swipe - at first, full of enthusiasm and interest, you pay attention to their profiles, you read their bios if you like their face. But with time your enthusiasm dies, you lose this interest in reading anything until you match (just to unmatch them, seeing you two are incompatible in bed) and you swipe mostly based on their pictures, from now on.
Then you get matches and here you have to be crushed by the harsh reality of Tinder - no one talks to anyone. But still, if you are new and they don't know you, you will get the most brave ones (or desperate) to text you, even if you were the second one to match. As I said previously in my posts, many guys on Tinder believe in rules about texting first. They stupidly think that if you were the second one to get the match, then it's your responsibility to start the conversation. Surprisingly, mostly guys who are stuck on Tinder for years have those rules, which means they are almost never the second ones to match, as they see all the new profiles immediately. Weird coincidence, surely this rule has nothing to do with the fact it's just comfortable and convenient for them, as they almost never have an iota of personality (therefore, they're stuck on Tinder for years).
Probably, you can't even tell how annoyed I am by this app and the people there. But it's not only those moronic rules they create for their own comfort, it's so much more things. No bios or traditional already: I'm 186cm tall (apparently it's important). OR: 190cm here, I heard it's important. It's like they can't write their height without saying that "apparently it's important here". Or saying I like music, films and working out, what are your hobbies? Probably thinking they're pretty smart for asking a question in their bio, "forcing" others to text them. I would text him, but he forgot to mention he loves breathing and sleeping at night as well. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, help me.
Actually that kind of bio is quite popular recently on Tinder, you could see dozens of guys with basically the exact same bio, saying: Hi, my name is XXX and these are my hobbies: music, games, movies, what are your hobbies? I'm not sure if those guys just used some Polish weak ass shit chatbots or it's a new tradition of scammers to have something like that in their bio, but I think that would be way too obvious. You see, scammers are another problem on Tinder, it's full of them. Indian guys working in some company in India or just being bored and poor as a church mouse, trying to get some money.
I mentioned it before here already, but usually they have a few pictures of one poor guy they already tried to scam, they create a normal profile on Tinder, they match with you and immediately want to move to Whatsapp or any other similar app. That's the first sign, if after one or two texts they send you their number. Sign number two is their number, which has always the british prefix, which, as it turns out, also serves companies to create fake phone numbers. Don't be fooled, just unmatch or block them. I was naive a few times and talked to some of them, even on Whatsapp. They usually are very cute and sweet, call you names way too soon, send you some of the stolen pics to make their character more realistic and then promise some silly stuff, like moving to your country and buying a house for the two of you. Not gonna happen.
Another pandemic on Tinder create boring guys, who are constantly thinking that I will be carrying the conversation and asking them questions while they limit themselves to replying to those questions. Yes, Tinder is hell. Or just the people there. It's a bunch of guys with no personality, conversation skills, or manners. Most of them are like this, unfortunately. Sometimes I wonder if they're actually boring and have no personality or they are just not interested, which makes me ask - why would you swipe right on someone you're not interested in?
Possibly for algorithm, but I don't think many guys know about it. You see, Tinder is all about the algorithm. If you like everyone and don't get any likes at all, Tinder will put your profile at the bottom of the pile, so most of the guys won't even see it. Important is ratio of likes and matches. Also, if you are liked by someone attractive and popular (who got a lot of likes), then immediately your profile gets more popular as well and is shown to more guys. Happened many times to me, that whenever I matched with some hottie, soon after I got a dozen of new likes or a few more matches. So this algorithm exists, but I repeat, not sure if people are aware of that, I seriously doubt there are guys who would swipe right on someone they have no intention to talk to, just to get more popular. So I think it's the other option, being boring or not interested and liking someone for no apparent reason. I'm also guilty of this crime.
Then we have guys who once got a perfect picture and they use it as their profile pic for years, even though in reality they look nothing like that anymore. Or guys who do not have any normal photos, but some nice view of mountains (once a cheater, always a cheater), or stupid ass shit memes (morons who can't take nothing seriously and deep down hate themselves). Muscular guys who squeeze their stomach in to show their abs on the picture, when the truth is, they have bellies bigger than my future in Poland. Or guys who seem so big and tall, but if you ask them their height, they will stop talking to you, because they're very insecure about it (and I imagine the gay world helped here a lot). Believing probably, that people just won't ask and won't say a word once they meet with someone who can barely reach their shoulders, if wearing tall shoes.
And don't get me wrong - I hate asking about someone's height or their position in bed. Makes me feel like I'm seeing them as a cow for sale, which is not true. I find those questions quite annoying to ask, so I prefer not to do that, unless we talked for a bit already and the idea of a date is getting real. Then it just pops up randomly, more often mentioned by them, not me. And the thing about their position - I already lost so much time talking to so many guys only for us to get disappointed, because we realised we are both bottoms. Some can say: Well it's not only about sex, isn't it? No, it isn't, but it's very important, and I don't want to end up scissoring with another guy, or doing a choreography to Lady Gaga's songs. In the end, sex is very important, unless you're asexual. The height thing however... manageable, probably not as important as sex, but... let's just say I wouldn't mind being much shorter, so I could have more options.
Yes, it's horrible for some guys, you can't change your height, you can do nothing about it, but it's still very valuable in our world, too, not only being young and fresh. Bottoms love to keep their heads up while having the perfect kiss in the rain, can't be helped. So some guys (quite a lot, to be honest) lie about their height in their profile or during the conversation. I'm 178cm tall, but always remove 1cm, just to make them feel a bit better, if they're 175cm in reality, but 180cm on Tinder. However, based on the men I dated, I'm also 180cm tall, 185cm and even once I was 188cm tall, can you believe it? Magic.
Then we have liars reducing their age on their profile. Another epidemic on Tinder. You may ask why gay guys lie about their age on dating apps. With bottoms it's easy to explain - we are like women in the gay world, and unfortunately there is an expiration date for us, a time when we become unfuckable. If you are 29 years old, in bottom years it's 48, so I need to find a boyfriend soon, or promise to shave my head, start to work out heavily and magically become vers-top. Otherwise, the tribe will throw me off the highest rock once I'm 30. I can always run away and live forever alone in the woods, but I don't want to get constant diarrhoea from the wolf berries and I get cold easily. So it's a bit understandable with bottoms, but still, if you meet someone, it goes well, you become a couple, and then he will see your ID by accident or your real age will pop up randomly, what happens then? Relationship built on a lie. I totally don't get it with tops, but I can find an explanation here as well.
You see, there are many predators in a gay world. I guess it comes with testosterone, no matter if the man is straight or gay, at the core many of them are still the same. Not only that, there is a whole bunch of middle-aged and older guys who just love, love, love the idea of fucking a twink. Gets kinda creepy and uncomfortable to think about, in my opinion it's on the verge of paedophilia even, as I still remember being a 16 years old bottom in this world of online gays and I can remember perfectly all those 40-50-something years old guys soliciting me constantly. Masculine tops who don't accept themselves and believe being with a shemale or a young femboy doesn't make them so gay. Or they simply have this kink of being inside of a young, smooth, innocent twink.
But even though twinks are silly creatures, they have their limits, too. If such twink is 20, he thinks someone who's 36 is already a grandpa and doesn't even want to talk to him. Writing from my own experience. Different story, if the guy is still closer to 30. Then it could be even sexy. So we have top liars then, as well. Guys who are 50, on Tinder pretend they are 38. Or 37 going 33. Because they know their prey is skittish and frightened easily, so it may simply run away, and they wouldn't want that, as they're getting closer and closer to the age when unless they're muscular, very well-endowed or just hot, they gotta pay for sex.
But let's get back to Tinder. Why am I there, if it's so horrible? Because inside of this pile of drifting on the ocean island of trash, there are still some interesting people. Harder to find, not so common, but they still exist. Like a small flower managing to bloom through the tall weeds. And I get to pick them up from time to time. Only to get disappointed or to disappoint them, but sometimes, once in a while, our match from Tinder translates to reality, none of us is disappointed, and we can fuck it up a bit later in our own way. It is possible to meet someone on this app. It is possible to fall in love thanks to Tinder, happens to me every few months. It's also possible to meet there someone who will become your one and only for another few years.
Shit, there are plenty of people who met their partner even on Grindr. But there are also many people that won a billion dollars in a lottery. It is possible, we all know it. But does it mean it will happen to you, a mere mortal? Not necessarily, and that's a bummer. Still, I have my hopes, even though they get weaker sometimes, and at the moment I'm dick-blocked by the story with Frank, but give me a few months and I'll be back on my feet. However, no matter how pointless the dating usually is, I won't spend another summer in my fictional rehab and detox from men. I need to lose this fear of going on dates, I need to practice and be in shape, as I'm constantly learning this sublime art of dating.
So I will go through this whole process again, and again, and again, until it works, because I'm sure it will, one day. It's inevitable that I will meet another guy like Mattias, Ivan, Valentin, Frank. Seek and ye shall find, as they say in the Bible faxed from heaven. What I need to work on, is everything I do after getting a real-life match, that's when serious problems begin, when I can't stop myself from repeating the same mistakes. Getting a match (I don't even remember the excitement I had at the beginning, whenever it happened) is easy. Having to start the conversation and lead it, is a bit annoying, but doable (being nicely surprised if the other guy starts and leads it, like Frank, is very amusing, but sadly very rare). Talking for a few days, getting to know each other, sharing stories from our lives, talking about our families, friends, interests, and sometimes, when it goes really good, getting a bit flirty already through texts. Gets tiring if you already did it with hundreds of guys before, but inevitable, if you want to leave this place. Then going on a date and "seeing how it goes".
Just between us - if you have to say you are just seeing where it goes, usually it goes to trash. We all know it from the beginning, if we want them or not, don't we? So do they. Anyway, this whole process is well known to me, so sooner or later another Mr X. will be described here. That part is easy, although depends a bit on luck. The hard part starts after you match and click. Building a relationship is such a heavy work, it shows us you can't do it with anyone you like. But still gotta try. Better to do that, than to avoid life and being scared of taking the risk.
So until it happens, unless there is another way to meet this new supporting actor of my story, I will stick to Tinder, because it's the easiest. This new error of our civilisation that became a global phenomenon, annoying millions of its users and slowly killing their hopes and expectations, forcing them to settle for less, is my only hope at the moment. Because no matter how horrible it is, sometimes helps to connect two lovers. Most of the available guys are there. And most of them, to my misfortune, are bottoms (another thing straights have better than us - straight women or men don't see on the dating apps their competition, but only their targets, which is quite frustrating).
Nevertheless, no matter how bad it is, I still believe it's possible and can't stop trying. It feels like following the unknown. And following the unknown might be a bit terrifying, can lead you to dangerous places, put you in front of very, very bad people, but no matter what, you gotta keep on going further and deeper. Believing, that few bruises and a bleeding nose are worthy of the reward waiting for you at the end. Seek and ye shall find. Courtesy of Tinder.