24. Waiting ‘Til The Beat Comes Out
When I match with them, the next thing that happens is nothing. In most cases. I already talked to half of the gays in Warsaw, so when we match for the 10th time already, we both know it's just out of courtesy at this point, because none of us is interested enough in the other one to make it happen.
But there are still new and fresh faces coming once in a while, so from time to time I get someone new on my billboard. To be honest, I always got someone, but I can't be cocky about it, as none of them lasts more than a few weeks. Someone once asked why men are nice to you only for three weeks? Someone else replied: It's the end of the free trial version. And in most cases, believe me, you wouldn't want to see the full version. It's never a premium content.
Those are mostly Polish guys. I’m not into them, they’re usually very melancholic, cynical, bitter, shy, blasé. So I like the foreigners, they’re my target. They are like the fresh breeze, having completely different background. They’re more confident, open, unconnected to the rest of the crowd. Maybe that’s why I usually choose them.
At this point I should get a card with my name and a desk somewhere in the centre of Warsaw, as it seems I'm always welcoming the new expats in this city. So many trips around the old town, so many broken promises and stupid ass future plans that have a lifespan of random patients in Grey's Anatomy. I can't even remember how many guys I've met this way. Guys who just moved to this country or city, who matched with me soon after and I was the first or one of the first guys they met in here. Americans, Brits, Italians, Russians, Belarusians, Ukrainians, Mexicans, Brazilians, Indians... welcome, and hello, soon this guy, Kuba, will be assigned to you, to show you how welcoming are Polish gays.
So from time to time I get this one specific match that leads to Whatsapp or Instagram, a few days lasting talking stage where we constantly text each other, starting every day with "good morning" and going to sleep after a sweet "sleep tight", and then we have a date. Quite a nice date, when they usually get this weird smile like they're pleased with themselves. Feeling cocky and flirty, staring at me with sex in their eyes. Asking if there will be another date, walk with me to the metro station or Uber and then one of us texts the other and we continue this charade and buffoonery for another few days.
We still talk, but with time the contact weakens, and then one day we end it permanently, often without even a word. Like in this reel: How is dating life? Well, I met someone I like and they like me too, so I'm still single. Or: If I was a bird, I'd fly into a ceiling fan. Yes, dating is weird, uncomfortable, annoying, exhausting and most of the time seems to be a pointless waste of time.
In June I started dating again properly, so it was a matter of time when some new mushroom would pop up in my orbit. The first one that came along, a Polish guy this time, was a flight attendant. Simple guy, very normal, if he was a spice he'd be flour, let's say. But seemed like a top and was nicely taller than me, also we had some fun chat one night, so we both gave it a try. Once we met, we drunk so many beers by the river and then at the bar, that I'm pretty sure it just disrupted our perception and we both thought we enjoy it.
However, he was just a boy, two years younger than me, not very experienced, there was no devil in him or his eyes, he was just a normal boy next door. But not a fuckboy, no. So when in July I visited my mum in the middle of nowhere, even though I still talked to the flight attendant from time to time, when I got back to Warsaw, our chat ended one day just like that. For no reason at all. None of us was interested enough to make it happen, I think.
Then I visited my favourite gay club with my lezzie friend, where we had fun on the dance floor. At some point, when we were in the smoking room, a short American guy started talking to us, but I told him to go drink some Pepto-Bismol and went back to dance again. Few hours later when I went to the bathroom, I met him again, as he was just standing there like some kind of NPC waiting to give you a side quest. I screamed drunkenly: It’s the American! He smiled at me, and in a matter of seconds we started kissing intensely. He took me to one of the cabins and I’m not sure who’s idea was it, mine, to test him if it’s even worth it, or his, to proudly show what he’s packing.
And he was packing a lot. A lot, a lot. Felt like I was a kid opening presents on a Christmas morning. He asked if I’d like to go to his hotel and I was more than eager to do that. We left the toilette, I saw my lezzie friend sitting outside and waiting for me patiently (I completely forgot about her like a horrible and selfish friend), so I told her I’m leaving with this mister. She was tired anyway and couldn't keep up with my drinking and dancing constantly, probably, so she also left.
When we were in Uber, I asked him how old is he. He said he's 23. My goodness. I felt like an old witch seducing young men in the woods. He asked about my age, and while I was holding his enormous boner hidden safely for now in his pants, I lied I'm 26. For some reason I thought he won't like me if he will know I'm actually 7 years older. Once we got to his hotel room, he got all over me. He was much shorter, but thick and strong, probably we looked together quite funny. He was complimenting me all the time, and as at first it felt very flattering, when he kept repeating how beautiful I am, I got suspicious he’s just drunk and keeps saying those words to make me stay for the night.
And just like that, my lost virginity was lost once again. He was not only well endowed, but very skilful, too. If he was not trying to insert his third leg inside of me, we were cuddling like we were on our honey moon. Hugging and kissing cutely all the time like some teens. The next morning I woke up with the worst hungover of my life, my head was killing me, and it seemed like the American wanted to finish me off with his proud hammer getting up all the time. Again and again. I had flashbacks from the time when I was in bed with Frank and he also wanted to have sex every five minutes.
The American made me at least ten hickeys and wanted to take me to dinner and movies, then asked if I will stay for another night. He wanted to get my phone number or Instagram, but I knew we will never meet again and it’s all pointless, since he was leaving in two days, so finally I left his hotel around 3pm and we never saw each other again. Welcome back my friend, walk of shame. The whole thing was quite slutty, I assume, but gave me back some confidence. I got back on the horse and got a little cured from Frank. Such a balm for the soul.
So I was ready to meet Antonio a few days later. Half Brazilian - half Italian guy who just moved to Warsaw (told you so). He was looking for friends on Tinder, I was looking for long term relationship. He was taller, intelligent, had the devil in his eyes and this south american thing about himself. Dressed fully in black, a little, tiny bit chubby, and 4 years older.
Once we met, I got a bit disappointed, as he had a little obvious gay quality about himself, was walking quite funnily, like the chubby gay guy from a sitcom, waving his hands only, but not moving his arms. The thing put me off a bit, but once we got to my favourite bar and then to the gay bar and the devil in his eyes got more confident while staring at me, I got hooked a little. The whole time we were talking romantically. We called it a date, he walked with me to the metro and was disappointed I had to go so soon. When we talked about our previous relationships, he told me he broke up with his boyfriend quite recently, and when asked what day he moved to Poland, he replied it was 10th of July. I asked him when did he break up with his boyfriend and before he replied, jokingly I said it was probably on 9th. He nodded, removing the smile from my face.
But when I asked him if he feels okay with that, if he already moved on and is ready for something new, he said he is. And then went on talking about our future house by the beach somewhere in Italy. Aso. In general he was acting very "romantically", like this thing between us was going places. It wasn't. Even though he asked already during our date if I'd like to see him again and instead of replying I asked him the same and he said very much so - we never met again.
We were supposed to have another date a few days later, but whenever I wanted to set the details, he was ignoring my texts and talked about something else. In general he started replying less and less and it felt like I'm carrying the chat on my back. So he cancelled our date, saying he works late and doesn't want to be tired when seeing me, but setting another date seemed impossible. Our connection started slowly dying. So finally, when I confronted him, saying I feel like I'm imposing, he sent me a really long message. Admitted he is indeed avoiding the talk about our next date as he knows I'm looking for something serious and he's not. That he saw we started being attached to each other way too fast and it raised a yellow light in his head.
That he's simply not looking for a relationship at the moment, but would love to keep seeing me and continue what we have, just in a less pressured environment, starting as friends with benefits. I told him that so far he was initiating every romantic move, calling me baby boy, naively planning our future, telling me all this romantic bullshit. Well - he just got carried away. If men aren't honest about their intentions or actually don't have serious intentions, they will just say whatever they think you'd like to hear.
So when I wanted to end it for good, he didn't want to let me do that, kept texting and pushing until I surrendered. Then I've tried this FWB thing for a moment, like a day or two, but didn't feel good about it, unfortunately I still had that pink filter on my eyes and couldn't see him differently after being tantalised for a week, so finally I ended it with him and this time he didn't reply. Antonio became another man that just moved to this city and was welcomed by me, before going further to explore the wonders of Warsaw. Call me customer service representative.
The last guy was another young stallion, a Polish one. I was bored at work and lowered my age limit on Tinder, curious if there are any students from my work. So we matched, his name was Arthur, 23yo, and from the very first conversation I could see he was quite odd. The way he was typing was very chaotic, as if he texted me every single word that popped up in his mind. Sending ten texts to my two, unable to fit full sentences in one message and putting English words or slang everywhere.
But the conversation somehow wasn't that bad, he was intelligent, although quite weird, so when he proposed moving to Instagram, I agreed. Then we talked all the time for a day or two, which I liked, missing this thing from Frank, I guess I liked getting his attention. So we met, but before our date I had no idea what to wear and was kinda anxious, as I always love to wear shirts and thought he might think I'm too stuck up or too old, so I put on some t-shirt and shorts, just like the kids are dressing nowadays.
We went to my favourite bar, where only I was drinking a beer and he was just sitting there in front of me, having nothing. Weirdo. He was a bit shy at first and I needed alcohol to be more comfortable, but with time both of us got more confident. He seemed like he was bipolar and was cursing all the time, so it felt like I'm talking to a teenage boy trying to impress his peers with mood swings and his personality going from one extreme to another. But he was self-conscious too, as he saw my face once when he was acting too weird and way too loud, making other people look at us, and me to think "what the fuck". He calmed himself down and admitted that must have been too much, so he backed down a bit.
He was bigger and much stronger than me, so it was quite seductive, but unfortunately, I wasn't into him. I wasn't attracted to him and there was no spark or huge chemistry like with the biggest demons of my story. But I know it's not the chemistry and sparks I should be looking for, so I wanted to give it a try. As you can guess, this annoying, "healthy" way didn't work this time as well. We met again the next day for a walk, and two days later he visited me while I was taking care of my former puppy I had with Mattias. I had to admit while seeing him, I was just annoyed and deep down knew I should end it, but he liked me, it was obvious, I guess there was something very tempting and flattering in getting his attention. The whole thing felt like we were in Lady and the Tramp.
But when we had fun and I came, I lost any interest in continuing this thing. Filter put on my eyes by horniness completely disappeared. I knew I have to end it as soon as possible, not wanting for him to get attached or grow some feelings towards me, but I think it was already too late. So when he left, few hours later, still texting me cute things that made it even harder, I sent him one long message. Then got one mean text from him in response, which I ignored. Then another long message from him, with apologies for the aggressive tone earlier, and complimenting me, then the last text from me. And a few days later another one from him. He didn't want for it to end, it was more than obvious. And there was something flattering in that, too, as I was already writing here before that men do not do that anymore - if they're faced with rejection, they won't bug you anymore, they’ll just be sad for a minute and move on.
He was different. Maybe it's because he was younger and didn't get a chance to play this game long enough to be familiar with all the rules. In general he kept texting again and again, so once I gave in, and we met again at my place, I regretted it strongly and had to end it - again. Then it seemed it was over, but he kept texting me a few times more, except this time I ignored his messages. Then few weeks later another text on Grindr when I had my moment of weakness and the last meeting, at my friend's place. And once more I regretted I did it.
I was that horrible monster in his history. I was here the guy all those songs are about - manipulative and narcissistic asshole all the girlies on TikTok are crying over and give each other silly ass advices on how to move on or how not to care about it at all, when all they can think about is this one guy that ignores them. He gives mixed signals, disappears and appears again. Meets with her once more, even though it ended and he was clear he's not interested. Serving a mindfuck to his victim who's hoping for a relationship, but deep down knows it's not good for her. I was this monster in his story, even though didn't feel like it. I warned him a few times that if I told him I'm not interested and we would continue as who the hell knows what, like he wanted, it wouldn't be good for him. I do not reciprocate his feelings and he would be only hoping for it to change.
So finally we finished this farce - he blocked me, and I knew he will unblock me in a matter of hours or days, so I blocked him too, just to end it once and for all. Poor guy doesn't know what's coming for him, how many more times he will have to go through this process, and I feel sorry for him, because I was there already plenty of times with other guys, who were such monsters to me, so I know perfectly well how shitty it feels. What can I say, if you're stupid, you gotta have tougher ass. Mine got a bit tougher after all those normal and in general good people who just happened to do some bad stuff to me. Just like I did to others and to Arthur, probably being demonised in their heads, while they’re just becoming another bricks in my story. I am sorry, however, that I happened to him.
Meanwhile, I have to prepare for what's coming, as all the signs in the sky scream that I'm repeating the history, and soon will get to describe someone else here, as always. Well, the wheel turns all the time and never stops. Never ending circle, snake eating its own tail. Names, faces and penises are changing, but the roles are always limited and the same in my theatre. My own, personal obsession, trying doing it another way next time, but always ending up in the same place, repeating the same mistakes.