25. Not Fair

No.

He's everything you want

He's everything you need

He's everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you

And you don't know why

Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want

If you want to meet "the one", apparently you shouldn't feel any spark on the first date. You should see them for a gargantuan amount of time - three months, without having sex, to know for sure it's actually going to last and that sex wasn't the only fuel keeping you two going on. You should feel calm, not sweetly anxious, before seeing them. 

They should speak highly and with respect of their ex, and if they still stay in touch, it's a green flag, but also they should be totally over them. You can't be texting with them all the time, it's very unhealthy, and you have to remember, that if you get 100% of that at the beginning, having it all at once already, what you get later can only get worse. You should be having contact once every few days at best, but texting for a moment once a day could be also approved.

They can't be totally all over you, they can't be too much into you, flirt with you and act all sweet and cuddly when seeing you. They can't sweep you off your feet, it's called love-bombing, and it's the worst, a big no. They should be into you, but in a moderate way, not too obvious, we wouldn't want that. Additionally, you can't put pressure on them, can't be impatient, anxious, paranoid, overthinking everything and act like you're freshly in love.

That's what all the self-proclaimed relationship gurus getting hundreds of thousands of followers on Instagram and TikTok would tell you today. I would love to tell them go fuck themselves. We are not robots, and when feelings get involved, we forget all the rules we should follow. 

However, I tried once again this "no spark on the first date" thing, thinking and hoping that this spark will appear on the second or even third date. His name was Max. Another Ukrainian boy, a bit younger than me, slim and very tall top. Handsome, but in a very interesting way - sharp jaw, big, dark eyes, full lips, flat cheeks. Gorgeously massive thighs, very hairy arms and chest, which he shaved from time to time, so his love carpet wasn't very furry. He was also very nicely dressed on every picture, his style was fashionable and on point. 

So I texted him first when we matched, and our conversation went on in a quite interesting way. He was acting a bit shy at first, I was the one that was pulling the strings here. I realised then also, that all this time, all of the guys I fell for, were of my choice. It was my decision it went well, as I picked them and chose to like them. I was motivated and driven to keep the conversation going, to say something witty here, something funny there. I chose them, then they chose me, too.

As always it happens, soon we moved to Instagram with Max, and after talking there for a few days, we set our first date on a Sunday afternoon. We decided to go for a late breakfast and maybe for a tea later. No alcohol. When we met, we couldn't actually find each other for a solid few minutes, as we were walking around a small building in circles like in some kind of Benny Hill skit. 

We hugged, although the fact he was so amazingly tall, made it a bit difficult for me and I had to stand on my toes. He didn't speak Polish almost at all, and his English was broken, but it was the only option for us to communicate, so it was quite challenging for both of us. I usually speak too fast and to someone who doesn't know me, it's hard to understand me at first, imagine then someone who hardly speaks English. When he was talking, he had to think every now and then about what he wants to say, so I had to wait patiently and when it was my turn to speak, I had to do it very slowly and a bit louder than usually. 

The whole thing was quite exhausting, to be honest. We covered a lot of personal topics, soon he shared with me the fact he is officially gay for like a year, realised it when he moved to Poland. Another one, I could collect them like Pokemon. He was talking about his family, childhood, the guy he used to date, admitting later that he knows it's a bit of a red flag for others, but it didn't matter to me that much, all I could focus on was his massive thighs proudly exposed right next to me, as we were sitting on a vintage sofa at some quirky, gay-friendly cafe.

After around 4 hours I was so tired of speaking to him, I told him that maybe it's time to finish our date and go home, he got a bit disappointed, but walked me to the metro, we hugged again and said our goodbyes. It was nice, but nothing special. I didn't feel anything, he was just good, didn't raise any seductive red flags in my mind, didn't sweep me off my feet, there was zero sexual tension between us, except for his thighs (did I already say they were massive?) connecting with my eyes. 

But still - he seemed to be actually really interested in me, it usually does the trick for a few dates. He complemented me immediately when we parted, texted me that he was hoping our date could last a bit longer and didn't want to go home already, also said that I'm "so handsome and most importantly a kind and good guy". Flattering, very. So we went on texting, getting a bit flirty. I must admit I was very curious if the "tall and skinny guy" myth will be true in his case, and from the sneak pick I took I think it was. For those who live under the rock - such guys are usually very, very well endowed.

And so we met again a few days later. He got all dressed up in a nice shirt, admitted he asked his friends to help him choose the outfit. Again there was no alcohol, just tea for me and coffee for him. We smoked and talked, but it wasn't very exciting to me. He had this obvious gayish quality about himself, used his hands dramatically often when speaking and I realised that all of the Ukrainian guys I met shared the same traits. There's some kind of sadness about them, melancholy. Not sure if it's the war thing or just a slavic thing, as Poles to me are very similar, adding bitterness and cynicism to the pot, but still, they are not very sad on the other hand.

So when he walked me to the metro again, and I hugged him to say goodbye, I knew I have to end it. He texted me thanking for a nice date and saying he hopes to see me again soon, I just liked his texts and said good night. The next morning Max was obviously waiting for me to say good morning first, but at the time I was just asking chatGPT how to tell him in the nicest way possible that I'm not interested. Unfortunately my robot servant was useless and I had to come out with something cheesy myself. 

When he couldn't wait any longer and texted me good morning, I just sent him a message saying that he's such a great guy and something something, but unfortunately I don't feel like this thing has a romantic potential, and that I'm sure there's someone out there for him, it's just not me. He read it immediately, thought of a reply for a solid 5 minutes and texted me only, I quote "I have another opinion. But it's your choice." Then unfollowed me and removed me as his follower as well, the end.

After our first date I had a small breakdown, I thought to myself - I met a great guy, he's possibly all I could wish for, when it comes to the shallow physical traits. Very tall, has amazing thighs, handsome face, most probably a big dick, too. Most importantly, a top, which is so rare in this fucken peach city. Dressed so nicely, used to play piano, intelligent, working hard. And I felt nothing. Nothing. So I was scared I'm unable to fall for a good guy and I can only feel something to fuckboys or fucked up guys like Frank or the Russian. 

I thought I was doomed, that's why I gave him another chance, pointlessly. Based on my own experience I can say trying to get to know someone without feeling that spark is simply bullshit. Later on I talked to a Polish guy, also handsome, also big, not thin like Max, but with a massive bulge on one picture. Interesting, flirty, witty, we had a lot to talk about and it didn't take long for us to move to Whatsapp and plan a date after texting for the whole two days. But we never met. See, when the day of our date came, he felt the need to reprimand me and remind me that this isn't going to be a date, but a "familiarisation meeting", as he needs to decide if I'm worthy of his efforts.

Not sure what triggered me the most - his tone, the need to reprimand me or just calling it a "familiarisation meeting", but I was done. I felt such a weird and irrational anger. I got frustrated, since he was Polish, I could tell myself "I told you so" and once again felt a strong repulsion towards Poles, who for some reason, quite often seem to be afraid to find what they're looking for. Scared to be a bit romantic or to call it a date, because they've been on a million dates and they were mostly bad, so why should they try and bring up this one molecule of romanticism to themselves, it's better to be stripped of any hope and faith, right? It's better to live like a cynical robot that has such a negative mind you just can't wait to meet him.

We had a short discussion about calling or not calling it a date and he understood it's not gonna happen, however he decides to call it. I was sure I don't want to try and impress him to let him decide if I'm actually worthy of him acting nice to me. So he was gone. Then there was this French guy, Gabriel, living in Barcelona, who one day decided to use his Tinder Passport and virtually visit Warsaw. He texted me immediately, and even though he was so far away, I was bored and talked to him. We clicked.

Quite soon he started love bombing me, calling me a baby almost all the time, saying some cute stuff, sending pics, but not nudes, as he didn't want our "relationship" to be like from Grindr. After texting all the time for a few days we had a call, then a video chat. And then he decided to buy plane tickets to Warsaw for the middle of October. Just like that. I started thinking about the British guy, Daniel from January, who also bought tickets to Warsaw after knowing me only virtually, and started wondering if this time I won't meet with the guy who just spent a few hundred euro just to see me again. 

I have to admit, I also felt like some kind of siren seducing men who live thousands of kilometres away, calling them across the continent to see me. It was all going very well with Gabriel. Video chats or phone calls, texts every day. Planning his visit in Warsaw, where we will go, what we will do. If I didn't text him a few hours, he'd say he misses me. So sweet and inappropriate. We lasted virtually for a whole month, from the end of August until the end of September. Then he changed his attitude, I knew something's off and one day we simply stopped talking. He probably cancelled his tickets and hotel and I didn't feel anything at all.

Then during summer there was another Polish guy - big, manly, liked me from the beginning, as he was making sure I will like him back because "by accident" he revealed that he owns a flat in Warsaw and has a good job. Our date was normal - just good, but nothing special. When we separated, he started texting me on Whatsapp, a bit drunk from all the alcohol we had. I was also a bit tipsy, so I got into the flirty mood and somehow he decided to visit me right now - I thought to myself "why not". He was waiting for me next to my building, when I finally arrived from our date. We went up to my flat and he started kissing me immediately, so we had some wobbly fun, not very successful since both of us had a fair share of alcohol that night. Another big phallus to my collection. 

However, when we fell asleep, the horrible side effect of being on a long date with a new person popped up, I was brutally woken up by my own butt releasing a very loud fart. I was so ashamed and hoping it didn't wake him, but probably it didn't, as he was snoring like a tractor and didn't let me fall asleep again. So I spent half the night looking at his profile like a creep, as he was lying on his back next to me. I couldn't help but just stare at his receded chin, slightly open mouth and pointy nose, deciding whether I like him or not. He was big like a mountain in my bed, had a good job, was intelligent, involved in politics and upcoming elections, but there wasn't anything else, or was, but he didn't interest me enough to get to know him better. It was all just... nice.

He texted me the moment he got back to his flat in the morning, saying how great it was to meet me. We chatted a bit, he was obviously in a good mood, like any man who just had a successful hookup and empty balls. Then I had to prepare for a visit of my bestie coming for the weekend, and I didn't reply to his last text, just forgot about it, saw it again on Sunday, when she left. We never talked again, just like that. 

I started to think there's something seriously wrong with me, how was I unable to feel anything while meeting such nice, good guys? Physically perfect for me, so I should be hooked and drawn to them, curious who they are, eager to see them again. Nope, nothing like that, we just met, popped up in each other's orbits for a tiny little moment and went our own ways. I was wondering if maybe it's still the effect of Frank, if I'm still under his black spell. 

Until I met Franek. A Polish guy with almost the same name. Very handsome creature that put another spell on me, I'm afraid much more powerful, than the one of Frank. Sagittarius, just like Mattias, having the same job and being of exactly the same height like him, too. A true copy of my ex boyfriend.

Molly, you in danger girl.