26. Io Sono L'amore (The End)
Take Me Back To The Night We Met
There are some things I know for certain:
always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder,
keep rosemary by your garden gate,
plant lavender for luck,
and fall in love whenever you can.
Practical Magic (1998)
If you dance, I'll dance
And if you don't, I'll dance anyway
Give peace a chance
Let the fear you have fall away
I've got my eye on you
I've got my eye on you
If you go, I'll stay
You come back, I'll be right here
Like a barge at sea
In the storm, I stay clear
As I'm writing this, I can still feel the pleasant pain on my butt from his slaps and pinches. I'm surrounded by so many balloons and the remains of the ones that exploded last night during the party. Lots of spilled alcohol everywhere, snacks, amazing gifts from my wonderful, wonderful friends, with a small bag hiding a special gift from him.
Yesterday was probably one of the most important days in my life, I just turned 30, the age I was dreading for so long. In bottom years it's like 200. I'm afraid I should be clever now and that I should know things, but unfortunately I still don't know shit about fuck. And I can't stop popping those fucking balloons under my feet because I just can't see clearly from the waterworks. Didn't expect to be this unhappy on my birthday.
I met a boy, you see. Brilliant, handsome, even with a big and thick penis, so it's the whole package. Franek, a Polish guy who's my age, younger than me 4 days only. He texted me on Tinder when I was on a date with a guy who revealed to me, that he's looking for someone to cheat on his boyfriend with. Couldn't help him, as someone who knows firsthand what a shitty thing it is. Not a lucky day, I'd say, but then I thought the fortune smiled at me by presenting Franek.
He matched with me maybe a week or two earlier, but didn't text me then, so I guess he was busy that time with better matches that gone to hell and eventually made him bored on a Saturday evening in the middle of October. I liked what I saw on his pictures, his bio seemed genuine, he chose an option "Looking for a long-term, but short-term ok", so I was determined to make it work, at least until we meet.
We chatted a lot on Sunday, so we decided to meet quickly, on Tuesday already, but then he changed his mind and asked if we can do it on Monday. Great. We met outside the metro station, and the moment I saw him I knew. He was gorgeously bigger than me, broad shoulders, wide jaw, pretty lips, warm eyes. Such warm eyes. We went to my favourite bar, but unfortunately there was some kind of boring ass event about some boring ass book, the place was filled with uptight people, totally not my vibe. So we drunk just one quick beer there and went on to the ugly gay bar.
At some point when Franek was at the bar ordering beer, some drunk guy sitting there pointed at me and loudly said something weird to his mate. Something about a date, that his mate should go on one with me or whatever. Franek heard it, looked at the guy, then turned to me, but I had no idea how to react. When he got back with our beers, he said: I see you're popular. I smiled awkwardly and we proceeded with our date.
We talked for hours. Didn't take him long to open up, at some point he started talking so much about so many stuff, that I didn't want to interrupt him, I was just listening, totally intrigued by him. Soon I asked about his previous relationships, so he admitted that he's very much in the closet, that no one knows about him, that he didn't want to be honest with himself his whole life about being gay, but he made peace with that a month or two ago. So officially he was gay for about 5 minutes.
Awesome. My head was instantly flooded by all the problems it could cause, I think some loud alarm started ringing there, too. That’s what I get for being into masculine men who don't look like gays. After our date I was wondering why the fuck am I always meeting them, how come that most of the guys I dated or hooked up with were closeted or lying about being bi. Well, you get masculine, but you don't get dinner with his friends and eventually meeting his family. You get to be his dirty little secret, that's all someone like that can offer you, unless he thinks seriously about you and slowly makes progress and puts one foot, then one hand out of that closet.
Where most of these guys do not learn anything about fashion, mind you. Anyway. I don't want to turn this story into four posts like it happened with Frank, as this post should be the last and final one here on my blog. Long story short - I knew I like him from the moment I saw him, I was in awe of his handsomeness and manliness, so I decided to ignore that red flag. Now I'm paying the price of that.
When it was about 11pm, I said we should end it now, we drunk around 6 beers each, so both of us were quite tipsy. On the way to the metro he said this date doesn't have to end, and as I really wanted to follow my rules and avoid spoiling it with quick sex the first day we met, I was also drunk and couldn't think clearly. So we went to my place "to watch a movie", but it worked more as a background noise. We started kissing, things got very intense. Soon he released his penis and I thought to myself - this is too good to be true. It seemed like he also liked me, as he said a few times what a great date it is. How wonderful it turned out to be. I was just agreeing with a huge, drunk smile on my face.
We started seeing each other almost every day that week. He came over on Tuesday, I made some gyros, wanted to hook him with my food, trying to reach his heart through the stomach. It was all just as it should be. Going naturally, when we were watching a movie or a series, I was resting my head on his quite big chest covered with a nice love carpet. Felt like the best place in the world to be. With his muscular arm around me, slowly moving through my body.
Whenever he was leaving my place, late at night or in the morning, we couldn't stop kissing, even when he was already fully dressed. We just couldn't stop doing that, at all. I couldn't remove myself from him. It was like that all the time, actually, we were unable to stop cuddling and being so affectionate. He was also being cute sometimes, once I gave him a magnesium pill, he asked what's that, so I replied it's a seduction pill. He asked: Is it actually possible to be seduced even more? I was just in heaven. Everything was going so well. Except for a few scratches on the surface.
Once again I felt I won the lottery, and once again they called me later to say it was a mistake and I need to return the money. After four dates, two nights spent together, including the whole Saturday after he slept at my place on Friday, he had to go home to his village. Another similarity with Mattias. Another simple, normal, decent human being I was attracted to. We didn't see each other for almost a week, when he got back with his parents, he didn't text me the whole day, then I knew this "closet" thing is gonna be a problem and it will only get worse as I will get more involved with each date.
This time I was supposed to visit his new flat, quite empty, as he just moved in. I was practising how I will tell him that I missed him, but when finally saw him, I couldn't. I got blocked. He said it instead, when we hugged and kissed. Then said it again and something about missing my butt. Finally asked if I missed him too, so I could admit it loud and clear. What could go wrong?
He didn't have to do much, in fact he didn't do much, it was more like I was dancing around him, trying to court him with food, my blowjob skills, being all cute, sweet and cuddly. Dressing nicely for our dates, but usually I had clothes on just for a minute. Shaving what needed to be shaved, thinking of what we could do next. I started prioritising him, even though he didn't do almost anything to deserve that. He wasn't very articulate about his feelings, there were no cute nicknames, no kisses emoji (just one at the end, felt amazing). In fact, his texting skills were really, really below my standard. He had on Tinder information about being a bad texter, but.
All this time I couldn't figure out if he's actually a bad texter and has communication skills of a potato, or if it's the obvious sign he's not that much into me. I chose the first option and didn't want to push, as from my past experience I learned painfully that when you speak up about what bothers you, what bothers you disappears from your life for good. I really didn't want him to disappear. Winter is coming, no one is in the mood to go out, it's getting freezing more and more every day. Perfect time for being home, cuddling and watching some life fillers from Netflix. That and the fact I really wanted for it to work. And really wanted to be patient and just wait.
I didn't think much of his dates with other guys, even though I knew he's doing it. Usually when he was doing something "legal", he told me that normally, like “I’m seeing my friends now, talk to you later”, but when he was busy dating, he'd say he needs to go now and when asked about his evening later, said "It was ok". He had every right to do that, we were not exclusive, we were not a couple. I was only hoping we are becoming one, but just because I can't date other people while seeing someone, doesn't mean others have this issue.
Also didn't want to scare him by being too verbal about the issues, men like him are like Bambi, you step on a twig and Bambi's gone. And I know it shouldn't be like that. Because the right guy won't be scared of confrontation, the right guy will understand that it's not you trying to end things by addressing the issues, but actually you really want to fix them, and for it to work. Relationship is constant work.
So we went on like that, week after week. It's been almost a month and every day I started to feel more and more like I'm in a limbo. Like I'm hanging in the air. I tried to follow him on Instagram, but he didn't follow me back. I felt weird about it. I thought to myself - well, he doesn't have a lot of followers, maybe he doesn't want to have there officially gay people, so his friends and family won't know about him. I understood that.
But then I did the stupidest, childish shit and I checked. He did already follow some gays from Tinder. Such a great, new invention to cause pain - Instagram followers. Thanks heaven we can't see anymore that activity tab, where you could see what every one of your followers did on Instagram, what they liked, commented on, started following. That was a mess, poor Mattias those years ago and poor me with my madness about such silly shit.
So he was following already some gays from his previous dates. When I gently tried to ask about it, he said he's not posting anything there, he's not using Instagram like that. But still, I was not good enough for him to follow me, when he could follow other gays. Then the last week, this week, I went to his profile and noticed he got a new follower, so my madness won. Right before my birthday he added a new gay guy from Tinder. What's funny, I even talked to that guy maybe a year ago, some shitty actor unable to find a job in his profession (I'm trying very hard not to be mean, I can let out one slur, ok?).
So that was it. When I kept falling for him more with each date, when I just couldn't force myself anymore to be on Tinder and swipe pointlessly, he was still there, very much so. I couldn't even reply to a simple hi from my new matches, I can't divide my attention, when I find what I like, I'm not gonna look for something better around the corner. A lot of men do that, that's why they're on dating apps for years and complain about being unable to find true love, because even if they find it, they still need to see if there’s someone better, so by the time they realise their mistake, it’s too late. Either way. I felt like after all this time it doesn't matter to him at all, that he enjoys being sucked every now and then, have a beer opened and handed almost on a platter, get a pizza or cooked spaghetti that he liked so much, watch some shows. No pressure, no strings attached. Unfortunately, I was getting attached. And I couldn't ignore anymore that the balance here doesn't exist, I was trying all the time, I was texting him good morning texts, if I didn't, he wouldn't do it either, maybe send a reel.
We were not equal here, we didn't invest in it the same or even similar amounts. But at first I didn't mind it so much, people are different, I just like to show what I have to offer. But with time I felt like a naive fool that can't see such obvious signs and prefers to be delusional instead. It was easy to do, because when he was with me, it was just so natural, so amazing, he was much more talkative in person. Already at the beginning I knew he's highly intelligent and can't be manipulated, so I liked him even more. But it all started to look like the second season of Fleabag. He was the priest. Except it wasn’t God that was the problem here, but the fact he just started his real gay life.
I had years of dating, having fun, trying new things, new people, so many new people. He didn't. Obviously, not everyone has this need to experiment and fuck around, but men usually can't help it. If he didn't do it now, he would, sooner or later, which would hurt even more if I was still present in his life.
So when he came to my place the day before my birthday, I had to talk with him. I was so anxious the whole day, just wanted to text him that thing, but I knew this conversation needs to happen in person. At first I didn't know how to start, he wanted to cuddle, to have sex, it was so tempting to just let go, to just shut up and postpone it. To be with him this one night more, to enjoy how great it feels to sleep next to him, because the whole night he makes sure his arm is around me, unlike any other man I ever knew in my life.
I told him how I feel, what I'm looking for. I told him how much I like him and that I'm slowly getting attached (slowly my ass). He just said he's not looking for a relationship. I said I probably just got confused by the fact he is looking for it on Tinder, his profile says so. He said that was there by mistake. So that was it. I gave him his birthday gift, which I had prepared already a few days earlier, with a card filled with naive wishes and a ladybug that I had to draw myself. As a symbol of the one that flew into my room in the morning after the first night we spent together. Franek told me it's for luck, but doesn't feel like it now.
I told him I can't return it, they were some books about herbs, with my birthday wishes on each of them. He told me once he'd love to study them and make some creams, ointments etc. So I thought that would be the best option to choose, so he will know I care. When he left my place I had to call my best friend, but that was a mistake, I simply couldn't speak, I was crying so much, but eventually after a while I was able to tell her what happened. Then my other friend came and we went out to party.
Franek texted me few hours later (I think, because I was annihilated by alcohol), thanking me for this gift and the wishes. He said he respects me for knowing what I want, that he needs to deal with his own stuff and realise who he is. Told me I'm a great guy and a wonderful person, and for sure will find someone who will be deserving all that I'm doing and can offer. Ouch, that one hurt. Karma got back to me after all these guys I had to say it to this year.
Then on the day of my birthday I woke up and started crying like Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give. Couldn't stop it. And I noticed it must have been snowing the whole night and in the morning, as every tree behind my window was beautifully covered by the snow. Fucking snow again. At this point I'm surprised it didn't randomly start snowing in April when we were finishing things with Frank. Still, I told Franek a few times that I hope there will be snow for Christmas, so I got it a bit earlier, for my birthday. Beautiful scenery to end things with someone.
Apparently at night I was texting him about the plant he was supposed to give me, that I'm still expecting it. The truth is, I just wanted to keep talking to him, any occasion was good for that, even drunk me knew that. He replied in the morning that of course he will bring it to my place with a small birthday gift. I said he can't come. Wanted to be strong and make it look like I am at least a little, tiny bit rational. He said he just wanted to be a decent person and give me my gift, that's all. So I said ok, come then.
When he came, he said he won't take his jacket off, there's no point, and handed me this small golden gift bag, which I immediately put in my bedroom. When I got back to him, I saw he's crying. For a mere second I thought - maybe there's still a chance? I didn't know what to say, he was saying something, but my mind didn't even process it, all I wanted to do was to hug and kiss him right here, right now. He told me to check the gift - it was a cream made from his plant and the seeds, so I could grow it myself.
He said it's the first thing he did like that. His first cream. Great, had to make it even more special to me, how merciful of him. I just hugged him tightly. We were hugging for a good moment, then he said goodbye and left, with an awkward smile and blurry eyes. What the fuck did just happen. I walked around my flat and couldn't believe it. I just texted him "Come back". He replied "I'm coming back, you deserve an explanation".
This time he took his jacket off, and so for the first time I saw him wearing a sweatshirt, as he was always wearing only a t-shirt whenever we met. I offered him a beer, took one for myself too. He sat down on my bed and tried to say something, but again teared up. I felt the tears coming on my side as well. He said no one was ever so good to him, that no one took such good care of him, he never had it like that. I tried to take back what I said and negotiate. Asked - what if we don't name it, what if we just continue as it was. He said we can't do that. That he needs to figure out who he is. All this time I just wanted to come closer to him, hug him tightly and start kissing his pretty lips. I couldn't bare it, him being so close to me, when I couldn't do anything.
It was all very emotional. We were both crying a little, wiping noses and avoiding looking at each other, just sitting there. I really couldn't understand what is happening. If he didn't want me, why would he be crying about this whole thing? Why was he getting so emotional about it, like he really cared, but at the same time rejected me, because...? It made no sense. I couldn't believe I'm here again. Two years later, almost the same situation with almost the same guy. Only this time it took a month, not six years. What is so wrong and repulsive inside of me?
Later on we calmed down and started talking about random things. I was asking him about that closet he locked himself in. About talking to his family. To his friends, that now would be a great moment for him to share with at least one friend what happened between us, so he wouldn't have to deal with it on his own. People are all we've got. Some things you just can't survive without your friends. I told him that probably if he shared it with at least one girl friend, she would kick his ass for being a moron right now. Rejecting something so amazing out of fear. Or for being confused. Or because he never had it before, so now doesn’t know what to do with it.
The whole thing actually felt like a "goodbye date", because later we talked about music, films, books, our so many common interests. But when I showed him one of my favourite tracks called Dance For Me Wallis, I think he felt it a bit more than I expected, but I can't be sure if he started crying again, I was too scared to look at him with my red, puffy eyes. We talked and talked, seemed like he didn't want to leave. And I didn't want him to go. I asked if he'd like to watch one last movie, wanted to show him Amelie, my all time favourite movie with such beautiful music. He said he watched it and that he also loves it. My God. I wanted to just scream and shake him, shout the question: What the fuck are you doing?
We watched Memoirs of Geisha instead, a sad movie for a sad ending. I put my head on his chest, he put his big arm around me, as always. It felt so peaceful. Then halfway through the film our hands started travelling on our bodies with more effort, so I turned to him and just kissed him. We started kissing, and it was the most intense thing we ever did, like he was trying to tell me something without speaking. Like he was hungry and couldn't get enough of it. Or maybe he was trying to do it as much as he could this one last time. But there were moments when it was getting to me it’s over, and I couldn't control the tears coming out again, while our tongues and lips were dancing together. Then I saw that he also had tears in his warm, blue eyes.
All this time I was just hoping he's not crying because he feels bad for doing it, that I'm not completely indifferent to him and he cared a little. I whispered to his ear: Can I ask you something? He whispered back: Yes? And so I told him: Please, don't say anything at the end, leave me with a good feeling, like this is not a goodbye. Let's play pretend. He agreed. When he was dressing up, he asked if I wanna keep his sweatshirt. I didn’t understand it. I wanted to keep him, not his clothes as a painful reminder of such beautiful thing we had. When he left, even though I was trying to be strong, this little charade didn't work. I had two hours to clean and prepare for the party, but to be honest all I wanted was to dissolve into thin air. I could barely see what I'm vacuuming and cleaning. It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.
That's it. I was totally wrong, of course, Frank wasn't my final and the last boss. Franek is. And however it may sound, I have to feel sorry for myself now for a moment, I need to be maudlin. Cry it out as much as I need. I need to feel this ugly pain until it's gone. That was the final act. Hope to which I was clinging all this time is finally lost. It will not happen, I'm done waiting for my turn. I don't believe it's possible to find him, so I'm officially ending with this awfully painful nonsense and men. This vicious circle of getting excited and happy, only to break like porcelain, when we crash. Collect the pieces after a while and try again. I can't go on like this, it's just too much to bare. To reason with yourself each time, to explain what happened, to understand this broken heart will heal and all that will pass.
No more, I give up. I could understand every previous situation. I could explain it to myself and write about it here, I knew what and why it happened. But this one story makes no sense to me, I can’t wrap my head around it, so it’s the last nail to the coffin of dating. Evolve or repeat, the end of being a masochist. There is now a white flag above my door, Dido.
Io sono l'amore. About time I realise that.
I hope you don't feel guilty or shitty about it all, you're not a bad guy, you're quite the opposite, dear. I need to stop having false hope that something will change, that there's still a chance. Waiting for you to stand at my door to tell me it was all a silly mistake. I can't be thinking about everything I wanted to give you, how wonderfully happy we could have been. All the things I could learn from you, everything I wanted to show you, late night talks, listening to music, sharing our favourite songs, and simply doing nothing, only being next to each other. Movies we would watch, places we could visit together. Watching the third season of The Wheel of Time when it will be out, waiting for a new episode every Friday. I can't think how I was planning to do Harry Potter marathon with you, and how I would point at one actress in the seventh movie and tell you she played Liandrin in our show. How I regret that you won't see how cosy is my bedroom with the Christmas tree and all the decorations. We won't have intense arguments and even more intense sex after, won't go to Ikea or Leroy Merlin, won't be painting together your rooms. You won't see how big grew the plant you gave me. You're leaving quite a mess here, but I'm good at cleaning, so you mustn't worry about it. It will pass. Horrible things do happen, happiness in the face of all of that, that's not the goal. Feeling the horrible, and knowing you're not gonna die from those feelings, that's the point.
I wish you to have courage and reasonable portions of happiness, you deserve it, don't ever forget that.
Goodbye, Friend.